I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize