My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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