Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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