just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
