I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
