You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
