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• (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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• (559): View more from California

  he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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• (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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• (510): View more from California

  I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one

  (916): View more from California

  Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol

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• (516): View more from New York

  He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  We just fucked each other sober. #goteam

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• (917): View more from New York City

  Wtf did i hit my head on?

  (914): View more from New York

  Tequila

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