Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
