Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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