i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
