Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
