I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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