btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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