apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize