I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
