thus making me awesome and them whores
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
