I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Holy sore nipples Batman
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
