sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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