Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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