I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
