i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Randomize
