The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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