everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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