i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
