Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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