I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
