my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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