i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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