Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
