there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
