end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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