3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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