I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
