my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
