At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
