You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
