OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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