Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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