I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
