You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
