I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
