During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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