Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
