Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
