If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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