FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
