He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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