mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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