Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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