When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
