It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
