M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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