If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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