fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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