Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
