In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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