Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
