this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
