Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
