Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
