The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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