i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i barfeds in our rink
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
