My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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