I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
