dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
