It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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